Survivors of sexual assault often receive comments that may be well-intentioned but can be hurtful or dismissive. These remarks can inadvertently minimize their experiences and feelings, making it harder for them to heal.
It’s crucial to offer support in a way that acknowledges their pain and validates their emotions. Understanding what not to say can make a significant difference in a survivor’s recovery journey. By choosing our words carefully, we can help create a safer and more supportive environment for survivors.
Here are some common phrases survivors hear, and what you can say instead to show genuine support…
1. "Everything happens for a reason" 🔁
“This should have never happened to you. You do not deserve it; it’s not your fault.”
It’s essential to acknowledge that the abuse was wrong and not the survivor’s fault. Validating their feelings helps in their healing process.
2. "I know what you are going through" 🔁
“As a survivor myself, I stand with and support you.”
If you are also a survivor, sharing your solidarity can provide a sense of community and understanding without assuming everyone’s experience is the same.
3. "This will make you stronger" 🔁
“You’ve had the strength within you all along to overcome difficult things.”
Recognize the survivor’s existing strength, reinforcing that their ability to endure is already a testament to their resilience.
4. "You're lucky it wasn't worse" 🔁
“Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with me.”
Appreciate their courage in opening up, showing that you value their story without minimizing their pain.
5. "Why did you wait so long to say something?" 🔁
“Thank you for trusting me with your story. Your healing journey is yours to navigate at your own pace.”
It’s important to recognize that coming forward is a deeply personal decision and can take time. Express gratitude for their trust and reinforce that their timeline is valid and respected.
6. "Just move on" 🔁
“I am proud of you and here to support you.”
Show that you are available for ongoing support and that you respect their healing process, no matter how long it takes.
7. "You should have done something to prevent it" 🔁
“What happened to you is not your fault, and you were not responsible for it.”
Emphasize that the survivor is not to blame for the abuse and that they were not in control of the situation.
8. "Why didn't you just leave?" 🔁
“It’s important to understand that leaving isn’t always a simple or safe option. I’m here to support you through this.”
Acknowledge that leaving can be complicated and that their safety and circumstances are valid. Offer your support without judgment.
9. "You’re not the only one this has happened to" 🔁
“Each person’s experience is unique, and your feelings are valid regardless of what others have gone through.”
Emphasize that while others may share similar experiences, their individual feelings and experiences are important and deserve recognition.
10. "Why were you in that relationship in the first place?" 🔁
“What happened to you was not your fault. You deserve support and understanding.”
Affirm that the responsibility for the abuse lies with those who caused harm, and that the survivor deserves compassion and support regardless of the relationship or situation.
Survivors of sexual assault often encounter responses that can unintentionally invalidate their experiences. It’s crucial to recognize that words hold power, and the way we respond can significantly impact a survivor’s healing journey.
Instead of placing blame or minimizing their experience, we should offer compassion, validation, and unwavering support. Every survivor’s experience is unique, and they deserve to be heard and understood without judgment. By choosing our words carefully, we can help create a more empathetic and supportive environment for those who have endured unimaginable violence.
Battered Women’s Support Services (BWSS) offers comprehensive wraparound resources and services to support survivors in taking back their power. These include support groups, counselling, and many more specialized programs aimed at supporting survivors on their path to safety and healing.
Supporting survivors means standing with them through their journey, respecting their pace, and acknowledging their courage. Let’s be mindful of our language and strive to be a source of strength and comfort. Together, we can foster a community where survivors feel safe, valued, heard and empowered to heal.
As an organization dedicated to ending violence in all its forms, BWSS stands in solidarity with victims and survivors. For resources on safety, accessing support, and taking action against gender-based violence, visit our website.
You are not alone.
If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women Support Services Crisis Line:
Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868
Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867
Email: EndingViolence@bwss.org
